An Excerpt from my Journal
I can only be in this moment, in the present, where I actually am. All the worry and anxiety about perfection, and chance, and good or bad luck are nothing. I can only be where I am.
"March 3 2021
There is nowhere else to be, but here.
This morning I went back to sleep after teaching. I slept too long, and I felt groggy and had a hard time waking up. I felt bad about this, and maybe a little about myself-- oscillating between 'I just needed rest and to be kind to myself,' and 'I'm never going to succeed if I don't work harder.'
I finally got myself up and out for a walk-- convinced that it was in vain (as far as photographing wildlife goes). To my surprise in less than a mile I saw a bobcat. He didn't worry much about me. (A lot of animals don't in the Valley. They can be pretty desensitized.) I got quite a few photos- thankful for my luck and thinking [super] early mornings may not be the best/ or at least better. I also got some photos of a small heard of deer in the meadow by the school. I've seen them there before and think wild animals must get into habits just like us.
I had intended to walk out into the big meadow in the middle of the valley, but changed my mind at the last minute. I questioned myself on this, wondering if I'd be missing out on some 'ordained' photo if I veered from my course. How odd a thought, and what a silly anxiety. I think, just like in my morning delay, 'I'm right were I need to be; and where else can I be anyway.' I can only be in this moment, in the present, where I actually am. All the worry and anxiety about perfection, and chance, and good or bad luck are nothing. I can only be where I am.
As I sit here looking at Yosemite Falls I think about water and the relationship between water and rock, hard and soft, rigid and malleable, permanence and ephemerality; and the illusion of permanence in the things we see as strong.
One might look at the falls and think the rock is directing the water, but in actuality the water carved it own way out.
One might look at the falls and think the rock is directing the water, but in actuality the water carved its own way out. The rock had some say-- some rock is softer and easier to erode, maybe there was a crack that filled with water and froze. Maybe a fallen object directed the water along a course. Many things contribute, but there is nowhere else that water could be. No other way to flow, except in another life, in another world, but we are after all in this one. There is nowhere else you can be. So be here fully, presently, and open to the glorious experience that is living."
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